Let me start by saying something I shouldn’t even have to say, but for fear of being judged I will say it any way. I adore my son. I love spending my days with him, teaching him, watching him learn, laughing at him and with him. His smiles and his squishy little gorgeous face.
But, there’s a but!
7 months in to my motherhood adventure and I really am starting to crave my old brain back. I feel like my creativity has gone to complete mush and I’m no longer sure some days what I have to offer this inquisitive little soul.
I recently had a KIT (Keeping in touch) day at work helping at one of the events that I usually manage. The start of the day was tough. Leaving Adam’s little expectant face and heading off to work was gut wrenching. But as the day progressed (with many updates from Gran on how he was doing) I started to quite easily get back in to the swing of things. I’m certain my maternity cover was delighted (NOT!). And this is where it makes me feel guilty, I actually enjoyed it. Eeek!! I really wish I hadn’t. It was like I remembered who I was before. I had a purpose. Which seems a crazy thing to say since being a Mum is the biggest “purpose” you could really have.
But I refer back to the niggling feeling I have at the moment of being stuck in a Mummy rut. I don’t feel like the best I can be because I’m craving a little bit of “freedom”. God, I even feel guilty writing that. Please keep judgement to yourselves, I currently cannot handle it! And no one could possibly judge me more than I am doing to myself.
I think the repetition of every week is starting to grind on me. Adam needs routine, all children do I believe. And therefore I know he is thriving on it. It is amazing for him to know what’s happening when and what’s coming next. But for me, I’m in a constant feed, play, nap, change, repeat cycle. 7 days a week. And I’m aware that I’ve simplified that a lot. The things he’s doing and how far he has come in his little life is awe inspiring but I can’t shift out of the rut. I feel like I must be the most boring Mum in the world.
Some women (and men) would absolutely love this I’m sure. Being at home with their children is what makes them happy and would think I was crazy for wanting a bit of all the worlds. They would probably think me selfish. And maybe I am.
The new “game” called ‘Reach for the dangling car keys with “dangerous for babies” Lego key ring attached.’ *face* *palm*
I am thoroughly enjoying my maternity leave, I really am. But it’s getting to the business end of it now and my brain is starting to make plans. Adam is starting nursery, Gran’s day off is being organised all in prep for me returning in January. And to be honest I’m not dreading it quite as much as I was 2 months ago. I’ve realised that in order for me personally to be the best Mummy I can be I think I need to work. At the moment I have no choice but to work any way if we want the lifestyle we currently enjoy so it’s not like I have the option. But I’m actually glad now that I don’t. I worked damn hard at uni and throughout my working life to get to where I am. And one day Adam will hopefully be inspired by his Mummy’s career and what she’s achieved. That’s all I can hope for.
So I’m hoping for some creativity to keep Adam’s little brain ticking until he’s getting a mixture of faces and experiences in January. I need to make sure I don’t let my feelings get in the way of his happiness. And stay confident in the fact that I am doing the best I can. And that’s all you can do in life.