Maternity leave is coming to an end. I cannot believe it. Where did it go? I finished work on the 26th of January this year and return after the Christmas break on the 5th. You think it’s all going to be different and that so much will have changed but I reckon it won’t have. How can I leave this face?!
Except I have changed. Changed in to a Mum, a completely different person with a completely different perspective on what’s important in life. How that will make me feel about work is yet to be seen.I’m not nervous or worried about work at all, I sort of remember that I used to be quite good at work, I knew what I was doing (most of the time). What I am nervous and worried and anxious and sad about is having to leave Adam. Argh! I have a serious case of “hurty heart” as I like to now call it! It’s a feeling I’ve never experienced before I had him but I felt it the first time I went out on a night out and missed his bath and bed time. And it’s continued from there really. I ache to be with him when I’m apart from him, even when he’s been a little terror! It’s a Mum thing clearly!
The whole nursery thing fills me with utter dread. Why would you leave your most precious treasure with an almost complete stranger for 8 hours? Why would you ever do that? It’s insane. And I have a serious amount of Mummy guilt for it. Worrying about how he will cope, worrying that they won’t feed him right, worrying that they will forget he’s there (I mean, seriously?!), worrying that all the other children are older and therefore can walk and jump and hop and skip and poor Adam will be left behind speed crawling to keep up. I know it’s irrational and that nursery nurses are trained to look after children but he’s mine. He’s special, nobody knows him like I do.
And whilst that is true I realise that he is adaptable and he loves other people, quite happily will go to strangers and play amongst other children and he will be fine. I’m not sure I will be.
I have to sit at a desk answering emails and having meetings about projects and know stuff about marketing and comms whilst all I will be able to think about is my precious treasure in that nursery without me.
Everyone tells me the following:
1. It’s normal to feel like this
2. He’s only in nursery 2 days – with my Mum 1 day and with me on a Monday and Kris on a Friday. It’s a good balance
3. It will become “normal”
4. He will be FINE! It’s good for him etc etc.
At the moment I just feel incredibly sad. That’s the only way I can describe it. Just sad. I’m trying to be positive because the last thing we need is him picking up on my depressing vibes but I can’t shake it. I feel like I need the settling in days to happen so that I can at least understand roughly what it’s going to be like and how he is going to react to the change. I HATE the unknown, it’s the worst.
So wish me luck…and I know, I know, Adam will be fine. His Mummy on the other hand….