Hi! Remember me? I’m Viki. Formerly “Just Viki” now “Mummy then Viki”.
It’s only been 19 weeks (and I know how annoying that is to non-parents so 4.5 months!) but I have realised how easy it is to completely lose yourself when you have a child. It’s weird…you’re still ultimately you but you’re not. Not really. Like a different version of you. Viki 2.0.
You think you’re going to have it totally nailed when you’re pregnant. You know life will change and you’re as ready as you can be for that part, quite frankly I am happy to not have to go on wild nights out to pubs where I can’t hear my friends talking. But you can never be prepared for how much you change as a person. Inside and out.
The outside just includes eye bags and a terrifying Mumbod (well for me any way!) which I can almost deal with (not really) but it’s just kind of hit me how different I feel on the inside. I’m not sure what I have to offer my friends anymore aside from stories of Adam and I really don’t want to bore them. But to be honest I am finding it hard to be Just Viki at any point. Even with Kris. And to be fair I think he can’t be Just Kris any more either.
We went on a date night for dinner and to see Jurassic World the other night as Just Us and we had a lovely night. Good times! But it all feels very strange now, I think it’s parental guilt for not having A with us all the time.
I make it sound awful but I guess I’m just reflecting. How could I have lost myself already?! I don’t mind Mummy Viki, she’s totally in love and surprisingly doing quite well at this nurturing thing. I am not afraid to say that I am so proud of her so far. I also love being her, that little boy is THE WORLD. She’s got lots to offer, I’m not sure Just Viki really ever did now. She feels kind of pointless at the moment.
I vaguely remember Just Viki being good at her job, having a bit of interesting chat and being a lover of lie ins but it feels like she might be long gone forever. I think I left her in the maternity unit along with my dignity and my former body.
Maternity leave is also the weirdest thing. I keep expecting to be going back to work and then remember I’m not for ages. When Kris works at home it feels odd that I’m just watching TV whilst Adam naps or something. I almost feel lazy and then have to remember that I am currently doing the hardest job in the world. I go to trippy baby classes like Baby Sensory where I sing silly songs and perform sign language for Adam who is generally too busy looking at the other Mums to notice me.
I’m not missing work as such but when it’s been your life since graduation it feels so unnatural to be able to take a whole year out and then swan back in like you never left. But as a different person. I’m guessing I will be way more distracted.
I think it’s only because we have settled in to a lovely little routine that keeps Adam happy and in turn us happy that I’ve had time to remember that I used to be just another person. And I’ve had a chance to have little glimpses of my former self when I’ve taken time for myself and met with friends or just gone out…alone!
It’s all ok though because I’m guessing this feeling is totally normal…right? It’s not about taking physical time for myself, I am insanely lucky to have a great support network around me that allows me “time off” when I’m a little frazzled. It’s more about the fact you don’t really get the chance to say goodbye to your former self before you’re plunged head first in to motherhood. And then it’s just gone, forever. It’s a bittersweet feeling really.
I watch a lot of Mummy vlogs (my new addiction!) and some of them have toddlers now and are starting to find themselves again, like even the simplest things like having a handbag instead of ramming all your stuff in the baby’s changing bag. Such simple pleasures! So it’s interesting to see people’s lives come full circle. And one day when the kids are all grown up and out the house we will probably struggle with knowing what we ever were before all this madness!
So I’m just going to go with the flow. And try to still be interesting to my friends.